Noah and the Eco-Flood

My husband and I were exploring NetFlix the other evening, and we made a serious mistake: We decided – since it was “free” – to watch the epic non-epic Noah. We were not deterred by the fact that it was rated only 1.5 stars out of 5. We were not deterred by the warnings from friends that there were un-biblical elements in it. We were not even deterred by a former-gladiator-turned-biblical-prophet leading man. What could be so bad?

We soon found out. 

First it is the Lava Landscape, complete with – well, nothing. No trees, no vegetation. Just “industrial waste” everywhere (which is explained by a Star-Wars-type introduction). Hmmm…industrial waste? Sounds like the epic got planted in the wrong century.

Then there are the raindrops (precious few, I might add) which produce pretty little daisies everywhere they drop. Besides the obvious absence of seeds and fertile ground (some of this volcanic / industrial ash was still smoking), I spent about half the pre-Flood episode wondering what these solitary flowers symbolized.

Speaking of vegetation: Being a mother and grandmother, I casually wondered what on earth (pardon the expression) Noah’s family ate. No meat (more on this later). No veggie plots; everything was volcanic ash. No trees bearing nuts (did they have nut allergies back then?). No goats. No milk or cheese. Sounds like they had to rely pretty much on the film crew’s chuck wagon.

Next, the audience is introduced to Magical Methuselah. This nearly thousand-year-old crotchety cave-dweller doesn’t want to have much to do with his offspring, let alone his offspring’s offspring, but he is big on Magic. Oh, and he gives Noah some hints about understanding the Creator. (Good ole Anthony Hopkins can pull off just about any role, even a ridiculous one like this!)

Next, the movie introduces us to the Rock Thingies. These Rock Thingies are Bad Spirits – oops…I mean… Unfortunate Beings of Light who had fallen into some lava-stuff and are sort of encrusted and “imprisoned” in this muck. And all of these Beings – who have been somewhat “naughty” in Heaven (hence the fall to earth and the volcanic clothing) – were really, really penitent, and just longed to show the Creator (the euphemism for God) how sorry they are.

So they pick up their hammers and uproot about a gazillion trees…

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In fact, the movie – from start to where we turned it off – is nothing but silly science fiction. But that’s not the worst of the whole concept:

The Creator – get ready for it – is angry because – hold on to your seat – the Bad Guys have been eating meat. Yep, humans are angry, murdering, bloodsuckers who have turned the earth into an industrial ash heap, with all sorts of other Bad Stuff going on in their cities (by the way, Noah and his wife and kids live in a tent on the top of a volcanic ash heap – all alone). But their Chief Sin is…well, eating a three-course meal with meat on their plates!

Now, in this Flood According to Hollywood, Noah has been keeping his distance from these Bad Guys, but he’s really quite fond of the Rock Thingies – especially when they build a super-duper ark in no time. God doesn’t really have to get that involved in this version; the Rock Thingies know what, where, and how to build this thing. (They get rewarded for their boatbuilding skills by being freed from their rock garments and accepted back into heaven.) Oh, and what’s more, the Chief Bad Guy manages to steal aboard the Ark just as every other Bad Guy drowns, eats a piece of fresh meat (he has obviously killed one of the animals aboard the Ark – yuck!) and tempts Noah’s youngest son (an impressionable teenager) to get up to even more mischief.

Sorry, but that’s where we turned the movie off. No sense in wasting electricity on it.

I went back to my Bible, where God’s quarrel with mankind makes much more sense: Mankind sinned all over the place. God wanted to cleanse the wickedness. He spoke to Noah, who built the Ark himself. No Magic Daisies. No Rock Thingies. No Lava Landscape. No Hollywood political correctness. In the Bible, God is the center of the story – His plan, His rules, His timetable. And His outcome.

Oh, and one more little detail: If the God of the Bible was truly outraged over mankind’s meat-eating habits, why did He give permission to Noah and his sons to eat meat after the Flood was over? You might want to check out this Biblical development in Genesis 9:2 – 3. 

I’ll stick to the original script, thank you.